Lest We Forget

I am having to adjust to live with a new born again. You would think that I would remember what it was like. And I do, sort of. I remember in that foggy romantic way that we remember hard times in the past that we are glad we went thought but are just as glad are now over. I remember the good part and the funny parts and a few of the bad parts but the bad part I remember with a little grin and think "But it was worth it" And of course it was.

But now I am living it again. And I am remembering more things. Like how you can only do one thing in a day. Really only one thing. And cooking dinner counts as one thing!

Well, Monday was the first real day without my mom here to help out. She flew back Sunday morning, leaving behind the sound of wailing, and tiers. (Mine and Babies) I was thinking that at almost 5 weeks post-partum I should be fine to get back to "normal" life. So out of bed I get. First I have to get the kids off to school. That went mostly smoothly. Every one got breakfast, most people got lunch (sorry Ryan) and they were on time (I think). Then I had a dentist appointment. I have taken kids and babies to the dentist before so I was not worried plus we were not due there until 10 am so we had lots of time to get dressed. That was a good thing.

I forgot how hard it is to get dressed while holding a crying baby. How do you get your pants done up? Once I figured that out, I had to help "big" girl get dressed. This is a lot more like negotiations at the UN then actual help. With that all done we now had 10 minutes to make a 10 minute drive. That is perfect right? Oh no, I forgot how long it takes to buckle and unbuckle two little car seats. OK now only 5 mins left to drive the 10 min drive.

So, I arrive at the dentist a few minute late with a screaming baby and a toddler who really wants to take off her own boot and coat. Not my most subtle entrance ever. I got a few looks which I ignore. But the dental hygienist herself looked a little bewilder as I processed down to her station with my entourage.

To her credit, she did not bat an eye at me breastfeeding while I got my teeth cleaned and she had the where-with-all to offer our "big" girl a prize half way through for being so patient. But her composer did slip a moment when she asked if it was harder having two then just one and I told her I actually have five.

At the end of that adventure it was home for a nap. That definitely counted as my "one thing". So needless to say it was frozen chicken nuggets for dinner.

Here we are!

We gotta get a bigger couch!

I know that I have not posted for a long time but no fear my maternity leave is now over. Nana returned home yesterday and now I am back to work. So far doing the breakfast dishes has used up all my energy! Because blogging is an excuse to sit down there will be lots of new posts coming.

Something to do while waiting

I am trying to keep busy while waiting for this baby to come. Here's the latest project.

First step is to get a small elf to help you make the dough

Let house parts cool.

"Glue" together with very sticky icing.

Now the fun begins!

And don't forget to eat a lot of candy (Photo not included!)

A little bit crazy

Now I understand. People here are a little bit crazy. Not crazy like scary and unpredictable but a good crazy. Crazy like going in the hot tub at 7 am on a snowy -12 degree morning. I totally understand. We know that this might be the nicest day we have in the long time. There is no wind, it is only -12 and the snow is light and beautiful. We also know that we might be stuck inside for the next 5 months so we do it now, while we can. 

The only trick is getting back out! Just so you know, your flip-flops can freeze to the concrete if you are not fast enough. 

Enjoy your morning, whatever the weather!

Snow sighting

Are those snow angels or snow butterflies?

Produce of a little Garden

One of the things I was most excited about when we moved to the Prairies was having a garden. In BC we never had the space for a garden. I tried to grow a few things in pots and managed a herd bed in the back of our townhouse but nothing like a real garden that actually made food that would feed our family.

Plus, gardening is one of those things that is just in the air here. Like football, and friendliness. Maybe it is because so many people are connected to the farms here. Most people have a relative still on the farm, or grow up on the farm. And farming still makes the economy move here. They even have a farm report in the newspaper.

So this spring I got really excited about putting in at least a little garden. My amazing husband built two large raised beds and we got to work. We had a bit of a late start and neither of us had much experience but we had lots of helper. So in went the seeds and watering was done enthusiastically.

And then came harvest time. I was and still am in awe of what the earth has given back.

We have carrots a plenty and potatoes too. The beats got eaten up very quickly. My kids are much more likely to eat our veggies. They love that they planted, tended and picked them. 

The crab- apples were very plentiful and have been transformed into rows and rows of jelly. 

Even the tomatoes that never ripened have found a home with us. You would be surprised what you can do with unripe tomatoes. (That is for another post)

I think for the first time I understand why thanksgivings is where it is in the year. This year we had at least three things on our Thanksgiving table that came out of our backyard. And now I understand the idea of giving thanks for a harvest. As I sit here on our first snowy day, I know that my pantry is filled with food to last us through the winter. True my little garden did not make enough to feed us exclusively. I still have to go to the grocery store (Three time in as many days this week!) But for the first time on my live I see how food really works. With a little work on our part, the earth gives back so much. It never charged us a fee or asked any recompense. It is just a free gift. What a glorious thing. It almost feels heavenly!

A Bumpy Road

I have been thinking about this post for a long time. 26 weeks to be specific. At first I did not want to write it. I feel that, at first at least, this was private. Then I was too tired to do it. And then it just felt like I had left it too long and did not know how to start but here I am jumping in.

We are pregnant! Due at Christmas time.

I am very excited about this. Actually we all are. But it has been a very different pregnancy for us. Being pregnant after loosing a baby is not easy. At first I did not trust my body to carry this baby. I was worried a lot of the time. This is not normal for me. I am a very relaxed, carefree sort of gal. I don't stress a lot. But I was very stressed for the first half of this pregnancy. I put all my trust in tests. In pregnancies of the past I would turn down most tests, and for tests that I did do I did not worry about them much. But this time I asked for a early ultrasound just to see the baby. I was sure that it would help me feel more confident. And it did, for a few days. Then I was sure that hearing the heart beat would make things easier. But it was the same story. It helped a little bit for a few days and then I was back to worrying.

Peoples words of encouragement also did not help. It felt like they were complete platitudes. I know better now then to think that every thing will be fine. My innocence is gone. No longer can I say "Oh I am sure it will all be fine." Because I know that some times it is not.

But at the same time I almost when insane living every day thinking that this might be the day that I lose this baby too. So I prayed a lot, tried to change my thought patterns, and tried to remember the my emotions are like waves. They come and go but they don't need to take me away with them.

It has gotten a lot easier now that I am past the twenty week mark, as this was when we lost Hilary. It also helps that I can feel this baby moving like crazy. I still have moments of worry, but more and more I am starting to think about birthing this baby not just staying pregnant with him.

But now I have a new set of worries. I find it hard to know what to say when asked which number this baby is. How do I answer that? Is this baby 5 or 6? So far I usually say 5, especially to nice old ladies at the grocery store who I will never see again. But other times, if I know the person, or we have the time to have a bigger conversation tell them my story. When I do this good usually comes of it. I have heard lots of other peoples stories of loss, their own, their sister, mother, friend. People have asked me how to talk to their loved one, what kind of resources are out there or just been comforted to know that they are not alone. I am glad to be that for them. There are so many untold stories of babies never forgotten but held in secret and I love helping others to open up.

And so I ask for your prayers. Prayers for a save delivery and a healthy baby. Prayers for less worry and more trust. Prayers for all families expecting again after loss. That they will walk this bumpy road knowing they are not alone.