A few weeks ago we had a chance to go to a workshop on miscarriage and loss hosted by the Diocese. It was a blessed chance to hear other families stories, join in prayer with and for our children in heaven, and hear from a local psychologist who works with grieving parents.
It was very healing, and gave us a rare opportunity to talk as a couple about what were experiencing. One of the most helpful pieces of information was about grieving styles. There are two main grieving styles, Intuitive and Instrumental. They are both healthy and helpful. The problems start when we try to make ourselves or other grieve in a style that does not fit.
A person who is more intuitive experiences grief as waves of feelings, their emotions are mostly clear and it helps for them to express their feelings by talking about them. Others can help them by validating their emotions and simply listening to them.
The other style, Instrumental, grieve by doing, they mostly experience grief cognitively, and it helps when they have something to do. For example, planting a tree, planing a service, making a memorial box.
This was one of only many things that I learned, experienced and took away from this wonderful workshop. I wish I could write about all of this but in stead I am including some of resource list they gave us. You might find something helpful it them.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew (2001). Kathe Wunnenberg
When Hello Means Goodbye (2012). Paul Kirk and Pat Schwiebert
Something Happened: A book for children and parents who have experienced pregnancy loss(2008) Cathy Blanford and Phyllis Childres.
A Guide for Fathers :When a Baby Dies (2007) Tim Nelson.